Are You Too Controlling?


Are You Too Controlling?

People can be controlling for all sorts of reasons, but it often comes down to fear or insecurity. Maybe they feel like other parts of their life are out of control, so they try to overcompensate by taking charge of everything around them. Sometimes, past experiences like trauma or betrayal make them feel like they need to protect themselves by being in control. And for some, it’s just about wanting things to be perfect or predictable. At the end of the day, it’s usually a way to cope with their own anxieties or uncertainties.

When it comes to relationships, however, controlling behavior can have damaging effects.

Here’s a list of clear signs of you are too controlling in your relaitonships ( with your partner, kids, or others):

  • Constant Criticism: They nitpick or put others down, making it hard to feel confident or capable.
  • Micromanaging: They need to oversee every little detail, leaving no room for independence.
  • Isolation Tactics: They try to cut someone off from friends, family, or support systems.
  • Emotional Manipulation: Using guilt, fear, or shame to influence decisions or actions.
  • Excessive Monitoring: Keeping tabs on someone’s whereabouts, phone, or social media constantly.
  • Decision Domination: Insisting on making all the choices, big or small, without input from others.
  • Unrealistic Expectations: Setting impossible standards and getting upset when they’re not met.


But What Causes People to Be Controlling?

Have you ever wondered why some people feel the need to control others? Whether it's in a romantic relationship, with children, or in the workplace, controlling behavior can be confusing and hurtful. It's often a sign of deeper struggles happening within the person, rather than a true reflection of the person being controlled. Understanding the root causes can be the first step toward building healthier, more supportive connections.

Controlling behaviors often stem from underlying emotional and psychological needs. Here are a few common reasons:

  • Deep-seated anxiety and fear: For many, control is a way to manage overwhelming anxiety. They may fear abandonment, failure, or the unknown. By controlling their environment and the people in it, they create a false sense of safety and predictability.
  • Low self-esteem or feelings of inadequacy: When someone feels they aren't good enough, they might try to control others to feel powerful and validated. This external control provides a temporary boost to their self-worth, compensating for a lack of internal confidence.
  • Past trauma or learned behaviors: Individuals who grew up in chaotic or controlling environments may learn that control is necessary for survival. They might replicate these patterns in their own adult relationships, not because they are malicious, but because it’s the only way they know how to interact.
  • A struggle with perfectionism: The need for everything to be "just right" can extend to people. A perfectionist might try to control others to ensure outcomes meet their impossibly high standards, believing their way is the only correct way.

Reflecting on our own behaviors and understanding the motivations of others can be a powerful tool for growth. If these patterns feel familiar, know that it is possible to transform challenges into opportunities for a stronger, more empathetic partnership. We encourage you to explore resources that support building healthier relationship dynamics.

If you struggle to control people around you, read on for tips to let go and if it helps, reach out for expert guided help.


Maplewood Counseling

Maplewood Counseling has experienced and compassionate therapists to help couples, individuals, teens, and families in New Jersey. We offer both in-person & virtually sessions if you live or work in NJ. We're here to help.


8 Ways to Let Go of Control Issues

Does it ever feel like the more you try to manage every detail in your relationship, the more disconnected you become? Wanting things to go a certain way is a natural human feeling. But when the need to control starts to create tension and distance between you and your partner ( or kids), it might be time to explore a new path.

It’s a journey that takes courage, and it’s one you don’t have to walk alone. Acknowledging this pattern is a powerful first step toward building a partnership based on mutual trust and freedom. Finding balance can transform challenges into opportunities for growth and deepen the bond you share.

If you're ready to explore letting go, here are eight ways to start:

  • Acknowledge What You Can and Cannot Control: Start by separating things into two simple lists. You can control your own actions and reactions, but you can’t control your partner’s feelings, thoughts, or choices. Recognizing this boundary is freeing.
  • Practice Mindful Observation: Instead of immediately trying to fix a situation, take a moment to just observe. Notice your feelings and your partner’s without judgment. This small pause can prevent reactive behavior and open the door for understanding.
  • Communicate Your Fears, Not Just Your Demands: Often, the need to control comes from a place of fear—fear of abandonment, of things falling apart, or of being hurt. Try sharing the underlying fear with your partner instead of issuing a directive. It invites empathy rather than defensiveness.
  • Embrace Imperfection: Life and relationships are beautifully imperfect. Allow for messiness, mistakes, and unexpected turns. Letting go of the pressure to have everything be "perfect" creates space for genuine connection to flourish.
  • Build Trust in Small Steps: Trust is the antidote to the need for control. Start with small acts of trust, like letting your partner handle a task you’d normally take over. Celebrate these moments to reinforce the feeling of safety and reliability.
  • Focus on Your Own Growth: Redirect the energy you spend trying to manage your partner or relationship toward your own personal development. Pick up a hobby, focus on your wellness, or explore your own goals. A fulfilled you brings more to the partnership.
  • Define Your Boundaries Healthily: Letting go of control isn’t about having no boundaries. It’s about setting healthy ones. Clearly communicate what you need to feel safe and respected, while also respecting your partner's autonomy.
  • Seek Support Together: Sometimes, untangling these patterns is too difficult to do alone. Working with a professional can provide a safe space to explore these dynamics and learn new ways to connect and support each other.

Letting go is not about giving up; it’s about opening up. It’s an invitation to trust, to connect more deeply, and to build a more resilient and loving partnership.

Need help letting go and reducing ( and eventually stopping) trying to control others?



Maplewood Counseling

Maplewood Counseling has experienced and compassionate therapists to help couples, individuals, teens, and families in New Jersey. We offer both in-person & virtually sessions if you live or work in NJ. We're here to help.


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